I wanna passion pit in your ass
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love