3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
