just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
