i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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