Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
