and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
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Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
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Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.