I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just need some of your time and all of your body.