Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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