i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
