HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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