then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
