Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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