Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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