The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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