I murdered the dance floor call the cops
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
