I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
