the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
