chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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