I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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