I heard we made out
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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