soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
