Me. At least after what I've been through.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
