1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
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i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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