I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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