Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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