Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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