If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
