well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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