Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
