Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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