I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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