What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
