he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I did not marry a roomba.
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