Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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