My Higher Power is John Stamos
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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