cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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