Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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