i think i have two assholes
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
