but the lizard people decide everything anyway
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Two words: blizzard sex
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
