He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
