I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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