my cup is half full, half full of rum.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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