Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
