I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My ATM looks so different sober.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
