In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Randomize
