So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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