Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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