he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
