Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
