I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
