i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
