Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
