just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
