you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
