I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
